On being Kinder to Ourselves

I recently shared with my sisters that I randomly bumped into my desk (which was no surprise to them) and that I had been surprised that my initial reaction was to console myself much like I would have consoled a child that was about to burst into tears. Thus, I gently whispered to myself “You are okay, it is okay, these things happen” several times as I cradled my foot. My sisters´ giggled and said they wanted the kind of relationship I have with myself. Which made me wonder if this kindness translated to all other areas of my life.

How loud is my inner-critic?

I realized this was not always the case, my inner self-critic can be much louder than my

compassionate voice. I am quicker to point out shortcomings in the day (“Why did you spend that hour watching K-drama instead of meal-prepping?”) or the week (“You could have budgeted better!”). And though I agree with taking stock of where we are at, reassessing and redirecting towards our values and goals, I think at times we can wear the prosecutor hat all too eagerly.

This means we end up not looking at “what went right” (even as I typed that, autocorrect was insisting on adding “wrong” instead of “right”) which can minimize the positive actions we undertake.

Exercising Self-compassion

Dr Kristin Neff, renowned researcher in the field of self-compassion, describes self-compassion as giving yourself the same compassion as you would a friend. According to Dr Kristin Neff, self-compassion has the elements of kindness, mindfulness, and common humanity. How about if we looked out for the positive in our actions and not just the areas where we feel we may have messed up? For example, if I started with “Well Pam, last week you did the meal prepping as you hoped to which saved you money by avoiding take-outs. That´s impressive, pat yourself on the back. Though you struggled somewhat to stick within the budget you set when you chose to pay groceries by card instead of cash. Let´s try stick to cash this coming week and see how it goes.” That would be a more honest take as it considers both sides and feels more encouraging. It considers my humanness – that at times I may make mistakes. Moreover, had I ignored the positive, I would have been quicker to feel as though I am not making progress.

Which areas do you need a little more self-compassion?